Epiphany

thoughts inspired by Noah – Biblical and the modern movie version

read it slowly – then read it again.

in reference to the destruction of the world by water…
what will it look like? it feels like the end of everything. no.  its the beginning of everything!

all beginnings come after something has finished. an ending. this ending feels scary. it is scary. the unknown. but faith can be found. after night comes day. after darkness comes light. the night is darkest, just before the light. after bitterness comes sweetness.

just like the pain of childbirth, definitely also a struggle for the fetus. the pressure of labor must feel like the beginning of the end, but it turns out to be the beginning of the beginning. the end of something becomes the beginning of something better. something sweeter.  this pressure, this pain must be part of transition. growth. as a lobster grows it must shed it outer shell, scary without protection, vunerable, but then it grows another shell, but larger, stronger, with greater  potential and greater abilities to perform its function in this world.

this is you. this is us. this is the purpose. this is the path. during this transition crisis, you might feel like a burden, like a failure, but no. you are a precious, precious gift. G-d’s greatest gift to me. to our kids. you must always remember that. you are precious. the most precious thing in my life. you are my soulmate. you inspire me to be better. change is not easy, but its necessary. you hold an intense divine light within you. i see it. i feel it. it guides me to a higher place. right now its hidden to you, but its there. its protection has been shed to allow for bigger, stronger. greater. we need to rebuild the vessel for the light to fill and shine again. brighter. clearer. help me rebuild the vessel, without it, the light will wither and fade.

i can’t do this without you. i need you. join me. one brick. one step. one breath and then another. begin with me. take my hand. hold on tight. because this is THE BEGINNING OF EVERYTHING.

[say 10 times]
Master of the Universe. Make sweetness from the bitterness.

Hubby

Splitting our marriage

After yesterday’s developments, I have become aware of 2 important issues, which are somewhat related.

Firstly, our relationship / connection seems to be strongly connected to the large swings in your mood throughout the day.  I am finding it difficult to know how to deal with that.  I want us to continue to work on and strengthen our relationship, which is even more important at times of crisis like this.  It is obviously difficult to predict, but if you are in a low place, I am always available to be a support, but not a good idea for me to become a scapegoat or a target for your anger (unless of course I deserve it).  Does this make sense?

A more critical issue that we touched on yesterday is the conscious/unconscious splitting behaviors that your family is involved in towards our relationship.  This really bothers me a great deal. I love you deeply, feel your suffering strongly, and only want a rapid recovery so we can continue our growth together. It doesn’t concern me what they think of me, but for them to impose their view on you, especially since none of them actually have a long term partner, creates significant tension between us.

This has been most evident in the recent psychiatrist assessment process, with secrecy and blocking communication with me.  I feel this is a serious and direct threat to our marriage.  I am sorry to add this to the issues you are struggling with, but if we are going to be able to survive this crisis as a couple and family intact, then this tension and splitting needs to be addressed.  You may find it helpful to discuss this with a therapist and possibly even have a therapist involved in the solution.

A couple of tips on this issue which I found on the net are below. If you can make time for us to discuss this, I’d like to see if we can agree on these principles and figure out a way for us to approach it.

Hubby

From Interfering In-Laws

Underlying principles

There’s not one right solution to in-law dilemmas, but there are some underlying principles:

• Couple unity has priority over other relationships.

• If something needs to be said it should come from the child to his or her parent, not from in-law to in-law.

From Hubby

• One of the things we discussed was about your feelings towards the psychologist and doctor appointments and my contact with them prior to you consultations. I clarified my sole motivation was to provide a little background from someone who has lived with you for the last 18 years. Having observed the gradual increase in distress with your thoughts, anxiety and ruminations, and decline in function and personality change, the order of development is sometimes important for the assessment. While I am not a specialist, and I am NOT your doctor, but in my experience as a Family Physician, doctors appreciate and understand caring family members wanting to contribute some relevant history.
• I want us to get the correct treatment – we shouldn’t be focusing on the name of the diagnosis. I know its hard, but issues of stigma shouldn’t be a reason to avoid treatment, continue your suffering and risk a much worse situation. If you don’t want me speaking to those doctors, just ask me – I will respect whatever you choose. Please dont shut me out because of that. As your husband, please keep me in the loop with your appointments, your treatment and progress. I only want the same thing as you – to recover fast, to get back control of your thoughts, and move foward with your life without worrying about meds/stigma etc.

Why we suffer

I found this while looking to understand what’s happening to me:

A New Understanding of Bipolar Disorder

Interesting ideas…

Doubts

I miss who I was – this drug deadens feelings and I’d rather have feelings than not. Also I am angry that someone knows – that is not delusional. That is a disclosure of personal information that I regret telling someone. That is a stigma that can stay even if I get off it.

I really didn’t want to go on drugs and I really regret agreeing. Should have stayed on St Johns Wort and given it more of a go. Not ashamed of St John’s Wort. There was nothing wrong with me anyhow. I was a feeling person who was just going thru an identity crisis.

I don’t have mental illness and I don’t want to be labelled as such – especially coz it’s not true. I think emotions are healthy and I could have got through that patch with other means. I cannot get over that she knows and will stigmatize my situation even after I stop being on anything. I am so annoyed.

Lee Sweet

Blogging to recovery

Here is the rationale and impetus for starting this BLOG

Extract from abstract:

“Research shows that writing a personal diary is a valuable therapeutic means for relieving emotional distress and promoting well-being, and that diary writing during adolescence helps in coping with developmental challenges. Current technologies and cultural trends make it possible and normative to publish personal diaries on the Internet through blogs—interactive, online forms of the traditional personal diary…. Results showed that participants maintaining a blog significantly improved on all measures. Participants writing about their difficulties in blogs open to responses gained the most. These results were consistent in the follow-up evaluation.”

The Therapeutic Value of Adolescents’ Blogging About Social–motional Difficulties

Boniel-Nissim, M and Barak A (2013), Psychological Services, Vol. 10, No. 3, 333–341

 

Just before my ‘crash’

My sensitivity is a blessing. This is exactly how G-d wants me to be. He loves me as I am. The depth of my pain is equal to my ability to feel compassion & feel His love. My sensitivity provides me with compassion and deep connection with G-d.

My feelings do not define me. I am not my fears, my thoughts, my body, my possessions or what others think of me. I am a G-dly neshama whose task is to love.

There is nothing wrong with me. I’m just the way I need to be. If I discipline my thoughts, I can build an image of myself as having inner strength and quiet courage.

Lee Sweet

 

Beginnings

Where to begin… I am starting this Blog to help my wife and me navigate through our journey with depression.  The journey didn’t just start now, but it has recently become much more troubling.

The purpose of sharing this journey in cyberspace is to connect with all of you from around the world who are on similar journeys, learn from your experiences and hopefully share some of our experiences with you, especially if you are new to this ‘darkness’.

Overall, the theme of this Dialogue from the Depths blog will be “Make sweetness from bitterness”.

The format is simple – my wife and I will write to each other regularly and you are encouraged to ask questions, make comments, and basically join in our dialogue.

Looking forward to your company.

Hubby