It’s funny – often when we’ve been striving for something important, praying hard for a redemption from suffering or simply searching for the light to guide the path forward, when it finally arrives the feelings can be mixed. I thought I would be ecstatic when my wife finally accepted a diagnosis for our pain, but I guess chronic worry takes time to dissipate. Also, this is only really the beginning of a new stage, hopefully with a smooth transition for us to join forces against the bipolar ‘demon’.
After meeting the spiritual guide a couple days ago, my wife became slightly more open to accepting that her suffering could be a mental health issue, with biological basis. This meeting, combined with her current low mood, has softened her denial, but it’s obviously not completely gone. With her anxiety escalating, now significantly affecting her sleep, I felt compelled to deploy the next weapon I prepared for the battle against denial. I shared with her the books on bipolar disorder that have given me the extra strength and clarity to recreate our relationship dynamics, accomodating for the new reality – that my wife’s brain is ‘sick’. We flicked through some pages, significant parts resonating with her own struggles over the years.
“Pow!”, as they say in the cartoons. If ‘denial’ was bruised from the meeting with the spirtual guide, now it was limping, hopefully with some broken bones. It was an emotional night – lots of tears, from both of us. As you may have noticed from my posts, I am not a naturally ‘feeling-type’ person. As men generally do, I lead with my intellect, with emotions being somewhat secondary. This makes feeling my wife’s pain that much harder to bear, particularly because my intellect seems impotent and helpless against emotions, especially when ‘denial’ is in the picture. I am hopeful that once my wife accepts treatment and her mood stabilizes, then my intellect and her emotions can finally reconnect, complementing each other, making us whole again. (My wife might even decide to join me here, online, in the blogasphere, then this interlectual blog can be balanced with emotions, too!)
My wife is definitely going through a significant transition at the moment, with much confusion and ambivalence. The battle is not over yet. The next weapon planned is another psychiatric opinion by a religious psychiatrist – I hope this will be the knockout blow to the denial demon. Stay tuned…