I like this, ALOT. I think my wife will too – I hope. Check out my latest wordpress ‘identity crisis’, New Year posting.
Laughter is definitely critical to well-being. Shit. That reminds me… I’ve got to finish tomorrow’s Funny Friday post. Bye for now.
Everyone in the blogosphere seems to be writing ‘end of year reflections’ on their blogging acheivements (congratulations Sandra!) in 2015, so I’ve decided to join in.
Last week, I already reflected on reaching my 50-follower milestone (now 81) in The Follower Chase post. Looking back at the ideas and comments there, I see how much blogging has helped with emotional release (catharsis) and general support with my family’s struggles. But there are still aspects of the blogging experience that don’t resonate with me. This may change, but I don’t think it’s just because I’m a new blogger.
I’m not into the blog statistics (so won’t be sharing), I’m uncertain about social media and I don’t enjoy posting ‘random’ comments on other peoples blogs for self-promotion. There is nothing wrong if you do. Maybe it’s just because I am actually shy, by nature. Introverted. Being pushed to interact with others in the blogosphere has stretched my comfort zone, which is probably a good thing. Still needing to figure out the right blog /real life balance for optimal well-being.
The most important recent discovery I found in the WordPress blogging platform is the option to add more contributors to the blog. Simple enough – I know. So I created an identity for myself (hubby1974), separate from the original username (bittersweet1976), originally designated for my wife and me to share. ‘Separating identities’ is difficult for me – it goes against a critical marital aspiration to become as ‘one’, as many of my posts have reflected. At the same time, it’s probably healthy to respect the separate identities, within the unity. Who would have thought… that such a simple thing such as a new wordpress username, would lead to such a deep epiphany!
And I hope this doesn’t confuse everyone – but from tomorrow (2016), I will be posting/commenting as hubby1974, and my wife’s posts will be as bittersweet1976, whenever she’s ready. 😉
Warning: Intense emotions expressed here – potential triggering.
This was written three months ago, which was 2 weeks before I started blogging regularly. Below is based on the ‘Love Letter Technique’, recommended by John Gray. You may relate to some of these feelings & the technique could be helpful for others, but not in all situations. Also, this post is long, a little repetitive (purposely) and SPOILER ALERT, it ends POSITIVELY.
I hate it when you’re moody. It’s wearing me down. I hate that often you don’t even notice it’s happening. I don’t like it when you ‘mindread’ – this often happens when your mood changes. I hate not knowing exactly when/what triggers you. I don’t like it when you don’t treat me as a friend – your best friend. I get angry when you assume I am against you, when you don’t give me a chance to clarify, before you get defensive and angry. I am fed up with the extreme fluctuation in mood, especially that you never acknowledge the severity of the problem. I hate it when you dismiss my concerns, tell me you are working on things your way, but it always continues. I don’t like that you don’t seem to see the problem and how it relates to the emotional crisis last year. I want you to take more personal responsibility for this dynamics, before it’s too late. I am angry that you don’t see how much I LOVE YOU. I hate it when my actions trigger your agitation, anger, moodiness. I am fed up with you seeing me a controllinh, criticizing or monitoring you. I am worried. I want you to see me, and treat me as your best friend, trusted partner, as we navigate through this challenging stage of our life / relationship!!!
I feel sad when you’re sad. I feel especially sad when something I do seems to trigger your saddness, anger or irritability. It hurts when you don’t seem to trust me, when you treat me as an enemy, or someone that is trying to hurt you. It makes me sad to think that after everything I have done over the last 19 years (especially the last 1.5 yrs) to clearly demonstrate my love, comittment and loyalty to you and us, that you doubt my motivations towards this challenging time. I need you to see how much your mood is affecting your thinking and reactions towards me. I feel sad that there has been constant tension around your moods & approach to staying emotionally healthy. I want us to find a compromise path that acknowledges both our concerns. It makes me sad to see you suffering needlessly. I feel sad that it’s so hard for you to see the damage this is causing. It hurts when my concerns are dismissed, denied or responded to defensively. I feel disappointed that something seems to have damaged the intense trust we had for each others perspective. I need you to know, to really really know, how much I love you and how strongly I need for us to get through this together. I want you to trust me more deeply again.
I am afraid you are never going to trust me like that again. I’m worried that our marrital harmony may get worse or even fall apart. I need you to feel safe with me. I wish you could be open to how extreme the mood swings can get. I am afraid you will never become aware of the extent of the problem and the affect it has on our relationship and family. I am worried the tension around this may do further damage to our relationship and the relationship with the kids. I am obviously afraid of your mood becoming extremely low like last year. I don’t want to lose you! I need you to acknnowledge and take greater responsibility for this problem, before another crisis. I am worried that we might not be able to survive with our family intact.
I am sorry that my worries / concerns upset you so much. I am sorry that this moodiness issue is happening to us – I know it’s NOT your fault. I’m sorry I am not saying / doing whatever you need from me when you are emotional. (I am sorry I do not know better what it is you need at those times). I want us to work out a compromise path that can build back our mutual trust. I feel bad for making you feel dragged to psychiatrist / psychologist. I am sorry for the distress this causes you. I only wish that there was another way. I am sorry this is so scary, particularly being made to feel ‘crazy’. I am sorry I can’t just put the previous crisis behind us & move forward. I am sorry the moods affect me so much. I wish I could be somehow stronger to create the space to receive that negative energy. I am sorry I can’t just accept the moddiness – you mean too much to me, to allow this to destroy us. I need you to understand and trust my motivations as best friends, soul mates.
I love you and your sensitivities. I love when you hold me and kiss me. I love going on date nights with you. I have never stopped loving you for a second, even during this emotional crisis. I support you in expressing your feelings and approach to this situation, but I can’t accept the distructive dynamic tearing us apart. I understand you feel threatened and frustrated when your mood is discussed. I don’t blame you at all, but I need you to trust me much more. You can be so SWEET, but also so BITTER. I think we can get through this together, if we work together. I promise to be open to your concerns and beliefs about our path forward. You are so creative, caring and compassionate. I love you and want you to love me as deeply. I know we can do it. Please, please work with me to rebuild our trust and vessels to contain all the Divine connection we have the potential to acheive. There is much more I’d like to add, but you already finished your letter. Looking forward to continue sharing my love with YOU!
- This is only a one-sided perspective. My wife has her own strong feelings about the situation which are obviously relevant.
- I am not perfect. I have my own issues with communication and blocked emotions that I need to work through. I even had a recent psychiatrist evaluation, encouraged by my wife’s repeated suggestion (more on this soon).
- Our situation is currently much more stable, since my wife developed partial insight. But after a tough morning like today, it’s good to remind myself and my wife of how far we have come over a relatively short period of time.
I added one more line to my lastest Funny Friday posting.
You know your wife is addicted to her cell phone when: You show her jokes about cell phone addiction and she doesn’t laugh!
That’s what happened to me last night. At least I can appreciate she didn’t get angry. Also, I can be hopeful that it planted a seed for her to become more self aware – which was demonstrated a recent Whatsapp message to me:
I’m going to make orange juice and then jog, After I’ve satisfied my phone addiction craving.
Besides the ongoing cell phone addiction difficulties, our relationship and life generally is fairly stable, THANKFULLY. But there’s plenty of work we still need to do to develop a holistic management plan for our depression, as I reflected on 2 weeks ago in a flashback. My difficulty is how to make this happen without triggering an unpleasant mood shift.
I suppose it’s always helpful to lead with the positive, to keep the discussion constructive and forward focussed. So today, I will just try a thankfulness ‘creative writing exercise’ to share with my wife (and you wonderful bloggers), before suggesting we proceed with developing symptom lists (which I started on my own 3 months ago) and ‘what works’ strategies.
TODAY: I want to say “Thank you” to my wife for being:
- Caring & Crazy (in a good way!)
Tip: If you want to try this for your partner, check out adjectivesstarting.com… it was very helpful.
Xendochial (if you knew the meaning, without looking it up, let me know) 😛
Mine is a relationship blog & I love this posting. Always helpful to take a humorous look at our pattern of male/female differences, so they can bind us (like magnetism), rather than destroy like an uncontrolled nuclear explosion.
My wife is NOT crazy. She is Appreciative, Beautiful, Caring & more: Click here to read the rest….
LOTS & LOTS of laughs here – have a nice holiday weekend, ENJOY!
This sums up my last post, PERFECTLY!
It would feel alot funnier if this exact thing wasn’t happening to us.
I had planned to write an intro about the seriousness of cell phone addiction and what to do about it (nice WebMD article), but I have too many quotes, jokes and videos to share.
You know your partner is addicted to texting when (all these have happened):
- You have to resort to texting them when you’d like a hug
- Verbal conversation with your partner includes saying LOLs, BTWs etc
- On date-night, your partner contantly says: “just one more”, not referring to a kiss/hug
- Your partner checks for new messages in the morning, before peeing! (VERY COMMON)
- You wife has dropped her phone in the bath tub.
- You show your wife these jokes & she doesn’t laugh!
** We live in a world where losing your iPhone is way more dramatic than losing your virginity.
** My iPhone seems to be broke. I pressed the ‘home’ button but I’m still at school…
** A man walks in a bar with his iphone…
He suddenly realises he needs to fart.
He logs into Itunes and ups the volume thinking ‘the music is loud no one will hear’
So he farts…
When he looks around, everyone is staring at him
Then he realises…
He was listening to his iphone with headphones.
Source for ones with **: jokes4us.com
Itsathought, one of my latest followers, would appreciate this last joke!
Sources: daily.bhaskar.com, ba-bamail.com & pcweenies.com
WTF: Someone has even created an App to allow people to avoid these ‘texting while walking’ accidents!!
Finally, Seinfeld is a personal favorite of mine (cell phone jokes first 3min)
I realised after my last post, that I may have given the impression that there’s something wrong with being a Blogger. And if you didn’t get that impression, that’s great! When I looked back over the post in response to the comments, I noticed I said: “I wasn’t looking to become a ‘blogger’.”
Subconsciously, this statement may have come from an occasional low-level tension between me and my wife, over the time I spend blogging. I accept this has increased over the last few weeks, but it’s not alot.
You see… my wife is seriously addicted to her cell phone – mostly texting, sometimes email and web browsing (more about this below). But when I try point out to her how much it’s impacting on our relationship and family dynamics, she snaps back “What about your blogging!?!”
This is not fair, but I have a hard time explaining succinctly, why. If I’m blogging, but still get enough sleep, continue working as full-time physician, able to hold a 5-minute conversation with my wife and be attentive to kids need for ‘Daddy-time’, then there shouldn’t be a problem with my blogging, right?!?
So I want to make it clear: There’s nothing wrong with being a Blogger, as part of a healthy, balanced life. There are lots of reasons why people choose to blog, and reasons can change over time. Some use blogging as an online journal, others might wish to network and others simply as an entertainment hobby. I must admit, though – blogging has the potential to become quite addictive.
It seems clear, cell phone addiction has become even more common and disabling for its sufferers. There are more than a dozen smartphone apps designed to help break the addiction. I have tried one of these apps on my wife’s phone – after 4 hours of phone use, it stops counting! As I’ve described above, talking directly to my wife hasn’t helped. So I have decided to try with humor… let me know if you have other suggestions.
Preview for this weeks Funny Friday: Cell Phone Addiction is NOT Funny.
Dog-owners will love this…
Note: I started writing this ‘milestone post’ last week, but I got distracted with virtual exhibitionism and voyeurism. Since then, 13 followers added – YAH!
On the occasion of reaching a 50-blog-followers milestone (currently 63, with 1684 views), I would like to reflect on something I’ve been thinking about the last couple weeks.
It’s been nearly 3 months since I started blogging regularly. As I described here, my primary rationale for blogging was to combine personal journalling, with reaching out to others, to help navigate my marriage and family through my wife’s emotional health crisis. I have connected with some amazing people and discovered the incredible potential of the blogosphere community.
I have learned many great blogging tips from fellow bloggers (such as Vic, Natasha & others) always keen to help new bloggers like me. I realized very quickly, that the greater the interaction with others via comments, increases the impact of emotional health benefits and support from blogging. Hence, what I’m referring to as “The Follower Chase“.
Obviously, new bloggers are adviced to be patient, it takes time, focus on the content of your posts, comment on other people’s posts, participate in Meet & Greets etc etc. I admit, many of these great suggestions are covered in the WordPress blogging courses, which I may still do one day. BUT to be honest, I wasn’t looking to become a ‘blogger’. I’ll even admit, I was even considering paying someone to be ‘ghost writer’ on social media to fast-track my Follower Chase process, because I don’t have the time or focus to be distracted by that, just like Dyane inferred for herself in the past and mentioned again recently.
I should also clarify that it’s the blogosphere comments interaction that provides the greatest likelihood of benefit from the blogging experience, so reaching a few hundred followers (and Likes – who doesn’t like ‘Likes’?), is really just a ‘means to an end’. One blogger suggested to me that, generally one would need 400+ followers to consistently expect meaningful feedback and dialogue. That’s likely to take many months, for most new bloggers.
I am not saying that I haven’t benefited immensely from the interaction I’ve had with ‘only’ 63 followers, but it’s naturally variable. Also, I am not complaining that those who have read my posts haven’t commented enough – we’re all busy, got many interesting blogs to read and not every post inspires a comment. But I am thinking that there may be an alternative model, within the blogosphere, to achieve the ‘blogging therapy’ benefits faster, without a Follower Chase, and without need for social media.
This concept has triggered a bunch of ideas in my mind, but I am wondering if my description of the issue makes any sense to anyone else (COMMENTS PLEASE – LOL). Even if no-one comments 😦 , it’s not surprisingly that writing these thoughts out has already helped get some greater clarity.
Final note: I realize everyone tends to forget, that when starting something new, not to compare themselves to those who have been at it for some time (see below). This advice is great for new bloggers, who want to be bloggers, but I should emphasize that I am proposing an alternate blogosphere reality, parallel to the current standard path, specifically for blogging therapy. In this way, I am not trying to find a shortcut to someone else’s MIDDLE, but actually creating a new path that never existed before, to a different destination.
Thanks Danny – forgot to reblog your Meet & Greet
If you haven’t seen my latest Funny Friday post, check it out for a little laugh:
It’s Meet and Greet Weekend at Dream Big!!
Ok so here are the rules:
- Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
- Reblog this post. It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone! So don’t be selfish, hit the reblog button.
- Edit your reblog post and add tags (i.e. reblogging, reblog, meet n greet, link party, etc.), it helps, trust me on this one.
- Share this post on social media. Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new bloggers to follow. This helps also, trust me.
Now that all the rules have been clearly explained get out there and Meet n Greet your butts off!
See ya Monday!
Hypersexuality is NOT
This ‘hypersexuality’ theme for Funny Friday, was inspired by my blogosphere friend’s recent posting about her struggles with hypersexuality. which I referenced yesterday.
Introductory DISCLAIMER: I am not trying to dismiss the seriousness of hypersexuality (sex addiction), which can occur with a number of conditions, including bipolar disorder. Also, I am not an expert on the problem. If you think you or your partner might be affected, I would recommend you see your doctor, because help is available.
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.” So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still fucking!”
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
In researching todays post, I discovered an interesting question asked on Quora: Is loving to tell dirty jokes a warning sign of a sex addiction? I don’t know the answer, but if it is, then I might be developing a sex addiction. LOL