Warning: Intense emotions expressed here – potential triggering.
This was written three months ago, which was 2 weeks before I started blogging regularly. Below is based on the ‘Love Letter Technique’, recommended by John Gray. You may relate to some of these feelings & the technique could be helpful for others, but not in all situations. Also, this post is long, a little repetitive (purposely) and SPOILER ALERT, it ends POSITIVELY.
Dear Wife,
I hate it when you’re moody. It’s wearing me down. I hate that often you don’t even notice it’s happening. I don’t like it when you ‘mindread’ – this often happens when your mood changes. I hate not knowing exactly when/what triggers you. I don’t like it when you don’t treat me as a friend – your best friend. I get angry when you assume I am against you, when you don’t give me a chance to clarify, before you get defensive and angry. I am fed up with the extreme fluctuation in mood, especially that you never acknowledge the severity of the problem. I hate it when you dismiss my concerns, tell me you are working on things your way, but it always continues. I don’t like that you don’t seem to see the problem and how it relates to the emotional crisis last year. I want you to take more personal responsibility for this dynamics, before it’s too late. I am angry that you don’t see how much I LOVE YOU. I hate it when my actions trigger your agitation, anger, moodiness. I am fed up with you seeing me a controllinh, criticizing or monitoring you. I am worried. I want you to see me, and treat me as your best friend, trusted partner, as we navigate through this challenging stage of our life / relationship!!!
I feel sad when you’re sad. I feel especially sad when something I do seems to trigger your saddness, anger or irritability. It hurts when you don’t seem to trust me, when you treat me as an enemy, or someone that is trying to hurt you. It makes me sad to think that after everything I have done over the last 19 years (especially the last 1.5 yrs) to clearly demonstrate my love, comittment and loyalty to you and us, that you doubt my motivations towards this challenging time. I need you to see how much your mood is affecting your thinking and reactions towards me. I feel sad that there has been constant tension around your moods & approach to staying emotionally healthy. I want us to find a compromise path that acknowledges both our concerns. It makes me sad to see you suffering needlessly. I feel sad that it’s so hard for you to see the damage this is causing. It hurts when my concerns are dismissed, denied or responded to defensively. I feel disappointed that something seems to have damaged the intense trust we had for each others perspective. I need you to know, to really really know, how much I love you and how strongly I need for us to get through this together. I want you to trust me more deeply again.
I am afraid you are never going to trust me like that again. I’m worried that our marrital harmony may get worse or even fall apart. I need you to feel safe with me. I wish you could be open to how extreme the mood swings can get. I am afraid you will never become aware of the extent of the problem and the affect it has on our relationship and family. I am worried the tension around this may do further damage to our relationship and the relationship with the kids. I am obviously afraid of your mood becoming extremely low like last year. I don’t want to lose you! I need you to acknnowledge and take greater responsibility for this problem, before another crisis. I am worried that we might not be able to survive with our family intact.
I am sorry that my worries / concerns upset you so much. I am sorry that this moodiness issue is happening to us – I know it’s NOT your fault. I’m sorry I am not saying / doing whatever you need from me when you are emotional. (I am sorry I do not know better what it is you need at those times). I want us to work out a compromise path that can build back our mutual trust. I feel bad for making you feel dragged to psychiatrist / psychologist. I am sorry for the distress this causes you. I only wish that there was another way. I am sorry this is so scary, particularly being made to feel ‘crazy’. I am sorry I can’t just put the previous crisis behind us & move forward. I am sorry the moods affect me so much. I wish I could be somehow stronger to create the space to receive that negative energy. I am sorry I can’t just accept the moddiness – you mean too much to me, to allow this to destroy us. I need you to understand and trust my motivations as best friends, soul mates.
I love you and your sensitivities. I love when you hold me and kiss me. I love going on date nights with you. I have never stopped loving you for a second, even during this emotional crisis. I support you in expressing your feelings and approach to this situation, but I can’t accept the distructive dynamic tearing us apart. I understand you feel threatened and frustrated when your mood is discussed. I don’t blame you at all, but I need you to trust me much more. You can be so SWEET, but also so BITTER. I think we can get through this together, if we work together. I promise to be open to your concerns and beliefs about our path forward. You are so creative, caring and compassionate. I love you and want you to love me as deeply. I know we can do it. Please, please work with me to rebuild our trust and vessels to contain all the Divine connection we have the potential to acheive. There is much more I’d like to add, but you already finished your letter. Looking forward to continue sharing my love with YOU!
CURRENT NOTES:
- This is only a one-sided perspective. My wife has her own strong feelings about the situation which are obviously relevant.
- I am not perfect. I have my own issues with communication and blocked emotions that I need to work through. I even had a recent psychiatrist evaluation, encouraged by my wife’s repeated suggestion (more on this soon).
- Our situation is currently much more stable, since my wife developed partial insight. But after a tough morning like today, it’s good to remind myself and my wife of how far we have come over a relatively short period of time.
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