I’ve been trying to figure out what happened. This last week has been a rollercoaster for us.
End of last week, Lee posted for ‘First Time’, which led into a really nice weekend for us. Open communication, laughing and generally pleasant intimate connection inspired my attempt at poetry on Monday – Dear Hypomanic Wife. I put my heart & soul into that and prayed that the message would be received, as I intended it.
Well, my wife seemed to like it, alot. She responded immediately with some Smses, in rhyme. I was really positively affected. The energy was ‘palpable’. She suggested that I share it on the blog – I had some vague doubts about it, but I impulsively complied. I innocently added a line to explain that it written as ‘improv poetry’, via sms. Pow!
You know that feeling when the rollercoaster dives down and your stomach is in your throat! Honestly, my head was spinning from her response. Did I miss something? There was obviously a misunderstanding, but it was too late. I should have listened to my ‘gut’. I deleted the comment, tried to let it go and move forward. Although these type of miscommunications have happened in the past, it has been quite some time since the last one.
Then yesterday, we went for routine couple therapy – it was emotionally intense but overall very positive, at least that’s what I thought… we deepened our understanding of a repeating pattern of tension that likely stems from childhood wounds. I personally felt some of that positive energy and hope that I experienced before the ‘improv poetry’ misunderstanding. After we left, I wanted to share one of Vic’s recent poetry posts. It perfectly summed up the major challenge for me that we discussed in the therapy session, when my wife’s mood shifts unexpectedly and tension develops – the ability to let go.
Two things distracted the flow – my wife was rushing me to get to the shops to buy our daughter a winter coat, and that daughter called my wife, distressed about something, which in turn stressed out my wife, slightly. My disappointment and her stress was recipe for disaster. After leaving the mall, more misunderstandings and Pow, Pow!! Ironically, the message I wanted to share with my wife, about letting go, was now being put to the test. I feel I did as best as I could to de-escalate the tension, but I still haven’t had opportunity to share my perspective fully with Lee. I apologise for this rambling, (boring) post, but I needed to get this off my chest. Sigh. If you’re into ‘soap operas’, you may have enjoyed this post – you don’t have to admit it 😛
Anyway, the night ended with my wife reading my latest post, about ‘Normalcy‘, which I would usually encourage. Her reaction was mild distain and return to doubting the validity of bipolar disorder as a recognizable condition. Ugch! Then it dawned on me – this is consistent with her irritable mixed state (?mild dysphoric hypomania). How did I miss this!?! Was she triggered by the intense therapy session, or something else? I guess this is why we’re in couple therapy and I’m attempting some coaching, as we work towards a holistic wellness plan. To be continued…
(Lee: I love you. Let me know when you’re ready to speak 😉 )
UPDATE – she’s still speaking to me, 😀 or at least sending me positive Whatsapp messages.