Tags
acceptance, brave, communication, condition, Depression, disorder, help, hope, love, Mental Health, procrastination, Relationship
(Please welcome my wife to this blog – leave comment below)
I don’t want to give it a name or call it a disease or illness, but … I admit – I need help!!! Whatever it is that’s making it so difficult for me/us, I need help in routine structure, self-discipline, overcoming procrastination, doing fundamental tasks even if I don’t want to or don’t feel like it or even feel like “I can’t”, and I need help to deal with my feelings from overwhelming me and getting in the way of my day-to-day functioning. I also need help not to make excuses to not do tasks that need doing, even an excuse like “you can’t help it” or “it’s not your fault”. And I need help in learning to love and accept myself.
Please don’t show me this as a way to remind me of what I said when I don’t feel like that sometimes. Just gently and loving me help me to achieve these goals – slowly but surely with a plan and with patience, not force and harshness and not lots of talking at me or analyzing at me…. You also need help with all this even if on less of a scale or even if less just because you are less at home (and not because you have less of this problem – coz maybe you also have this problem just as much but it’s not seen as much because your not here to have it exposed as much). So let’s see this as a challenge that we both have and let’s work on it together. Emphasising patience, love understanding, slow soft and gentle speech…
ps: I also acknowledge that it is difficult to communicate with me and I can imagine how it affects you in feeling like you don’t know what to say, how to say it and whether to say something or not, and whether I’m going to blow up at you or not, so I’m sorry about causing that difficulty and pain for you … And I would also like to acknowledge what a wonderful husband you are – always trying, never giving up, enduring through it all, overall not giving up hope, constantly working on yourself and our relationship … I see your growth and your change and I’m so blessed to have a husband that does that kind of spiritual emotional and physical work and that loves me so much despite all my deficits and my “perfect imperfections”.
As you have always expressed hope about, I am hopeful that all this is only going to bring us closer in our relationship as we work together and gain a deeper understanding of one another and grow together thru these challenges.
Thank you for being you.
Love Me 😉
Dialogue from the Depths 
A brave response from Hubby
Speechless, initially. But that’s not fair to you. This requires a response, but I’m uncertain about finding the right words (your ‘ps’ partly explains why, lol).
Thank you so much for writing to me – I really, really appreciate your honesty and openness to work together on this. I fully understand why you don’t want to label it. I accept that. As you said, we should just focus on getting help with the areas which we are finding difficult.
I am really grateful that you were able to clarify the things that are not helpful. As you know, I have been working hard on my own feelings and reactions so they don’t lead to tension and arguments that we’ve experienced in the past. My own worries and fears were likely triggering the reflex of talking / analyzing at you, but this thoughful, clear statement from you helps me immensely to know how to direct my energies into positive activites. Please don’t worry about me showing you this at times when you don’t feel the same – reviewing this statement occasionally could be helpful, but only if initiated by you. I acknowledge that.
Since I started journalling, I have found myself naturally going back an reviewing things I wrote 1-2 weeks ago. I find this extremely enlightening for gaining perspective on the gradual shift in my understanding & growth and the significant progess in our healing and relationship. This is definitely a challenge that we both need to work on together and I look forward to celebrating with you at every stage.
Your brave statement gives me such strength to keep moving forward, together, with trust, closeness, love and respect. Your “ps” made me cry, alot!
Enough said (for now). x o x o
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Dear Lee, welcome!
As a mom/wife with bipolar one disorder who has been married to a loving, man (with no %*^** thank goodness!) for the past 14 years, I can tell by your eloquent and insightful writing that you have what it takes to not just live with your *&%*^* (I won’t give it a name) but to learn to live *well* with it. It takes time. You have an amazing partner by your side who sincerely cares about you and your marriage. I commend you for putting yourself out there to him and to us – keep going; I’ve found blogging and the blogosphere-at-large to be cathatic and therapeutic! 🙂
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Welcome, Lee, and can I first say, good for you for not wanting to be labeled. Both my psychologist and my psychiatrist refuse to label myself and their other patients because they find that can be potentially damaging and perhaps even dangerous because one can never fully, deeply understand the very depths of a human being. True, for insurance and medication purposes they are required to write a “diagnosis”, but they are sure to remind me that that’s not my label.
I have to say that for me this not being labeled is very empowering which leads me to further comment that in spite of what you (and Hubby too) are suffering through, you sound very strong and empowered. I know you may not feel that way, but you sure emanate it. : )
I should probably say upfront that my “diagnosis” is PTSD with Treatment-Resistant Depression, Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I was initially diagnosed years ago as Bipolar II and put on the “necessary” medication for at least a year, I think, and when I almost lost it on those meds, I was reassessed by another psychiatrist who flipped out and said that I was misdiagnosed and eventually had me taper off those meds and start with something different. Thank G-d, I did much better, and eventually came to appreciate the experience. It taught me personally that psychology and psychiatry are always evolving. In any case, the whole point of this paragraph was that I learned to trust myself about what I needed from the field of mental health care and further, that it encouraged me to search out future doctors who would allow me greater input in my care and not be labeled. G-d was awesome and I am blessed to have those two doctors to work with. It also helps that my psychiatrist is not just a medication dispenser but looks at the whole person to consider what else may be going on. (For example, hormonal issues sometimes can mimic mental well-being issues. Sorry, I don’t like the term mental illness. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone out there in cyberspace.)
I think it’s wonderful that you know what works for you and what doesn’t, Lee. And, Hubby, that’s so wonderful that you are so open to your wife sharing all of this. I am blessed too that my husband is open to when I feel overwhelmed by what feels to me like his trying to “fix” me. I know from our discussions that it’s coming from a place of love, but he also understands how he has the need to try to make things “right” because he doesn’t want to see me suffer and it also makes him feel like he’s not meeting my needs. I have to remind him that with me, if that were the case, that I would directly tell him that (in a loving way).
This is really a beautiful post between the two of you and I’m sure it will touch many couples who are experiencing something similar.
Bless you and your family always.
Again, Lee, welcome.
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Welcome Lee!
I am also a wife and mother. And also know what the marriage can be like.
Your truest (well some of them because they were all true and beautiful) words were about how this is a challenge for both of you.
For better or worse
in sickness and in health
that is marriage
that is love
Your husband is truly amazing for caring and striving so much. I am beyond impressed by his commitment to this challenge in your lives. You are so blessed. Many people in the community do not have this.
I agree with Dyane you sound like the kind of woman in is going to get on top of this horse. The damn thing keeps knocking you off but us fighter warrior women get back on again and again.
I will say that I understand not wanting to be labeled but some people also experience freedom in the terms….we are all different though and not everything works for everybody. Obviously!
I am one of those who doesn’t happen to give two craps about being called Bipolar.
In fact I think it is kinda sexy :O
But that’s just me
I’m CRAZY
and i love it 😉
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LOL, that would make a great T-shirt, Button or Bumper Sticker.
Love it!!!!
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Bumper Sticker idea #3! Caper. We need to start that business! 🙂
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Welcome to the blogosphere, Lee. You will find lots of support from others who struggle as you do with mental health issues. I, like bipolarfirst, have no problem with naming my illness as bipolar disorder (although manic depression is more descriptive), and I’ve always embraced being crazy (depending on how it’s used – it can be a compliment).
I am a wife and mother who lives with bipolar disorder. I do not try to achieve what I once did. Maintaining my mental health is more important than being the highest achiever or the best homemaker (never much of a goal of mine anyway – I’m more the intellectual/artistic type). There was a time in my life when I pushed myself to do it all and ended up hospitalized.
Now, I’ve decided that this – writing and supporting others with bipolar disorder and mental health challenges – is my calling.
Feel free to visit me anytime at kittomalley.com.
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Hi Lee. What a beautiful post – open, honest, raw. You have taken perhaps the biggest step of all, and that is admitting that you need help. So many people go through life not even admitting to themselves that they are not coping very well. To me, the label doesn’t matter – it’s the treatment, the self-care and the management that matters. According to the two psychiatrists I have seen, I am somewhere between Bipolar I and II – although have never been fully manic. I am quite happy to say that’s what I am if it helps to raise awareness and reduce stigma about mental health challenges.
Since being first diagnosed with depression eleven years ago, I have been passionate about working with those struggling with mental wellness and self-worth issues and this is part of my own management system. Connection with others is a huge part of healing.
With much love to you.
Warm wishes
Sharon
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Welcome, Lee, and thank you for posting!
I had originally written a long comment, but it doesn’t look like it posted. I’ll give the TL;DR version this time:
1) Know that you are not alone! While your thoughts, concerns, and worries may feel isolating at times, know that they are not your burden alone. There is an entire community that understands first-hand what you are going through. Having a support network to rely upon is one of the greatest advantages in achieving and maintaining wellness.
2) One thing people who do not have mental wellness problems don’t understand is that wellness does not mean a “cure” that results in all good days. We have some good days, we have some bad days, and we have other days that fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. Nobody (that includes yourself!) should expect you to have good days all of the time.
Cliche as it may sound, the mantra of “one day at a time” has proven so very true. It is easy to become discouraged after an outburst, a mentally rough day (or week!). Know that one moment, one outburst, one diagnosis does not define you. You are beautifully and wonderfully made! You are a person first- a loved and cherished person- who experiences difficulties.
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Welcome Lee!! Your husband mentioned to me on my blog that we were similar in that we both had our first severe depressive episodes around May 2014. I’m so glad you are blogging. I never thought about doing it before but the kind of support you get from the AMAZING people on WordPress is absolutely beautiful. It makes you feel like you are part of a community. It brought me to tears how kind and supportive the people are. And you are right. It’s hard calling it what it is: Bipolar Disorder. But it is just a name and I just recently came to terms with it. It’s so nice hearing the voices of people who have the same feeling and thoughts you have. I wish you and your husband the best of luck! I’m a wife but not a mother yet so I can’t say how much more challenging that is but the women I’ve met through this blog: Bipolarfirst, Dyane, Kitt, etc. are such strong mothers/wives who I can’t imagine how they can tackle all they do. I definitely absorb all their posts and try and learn however much I can from them. They are all wonderful people. I’m glad your husband is so supportive. We both have that in common as well. If you need to talk, please don’t hesitate to look me up on Twitter for a chat. My blog “The Bipolar Compass” is there if you care to look at my story. Nice meeting you. 🙂
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